It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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