Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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