that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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