Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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