you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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