I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
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Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
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How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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