I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
