if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
