My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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