If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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