if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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