Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
