I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
