walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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