Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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