its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
