hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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