No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
