I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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