Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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