I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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