I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
