it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
