he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
as a side note pls kill me
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