Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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