Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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