I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
