I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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