she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
