Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
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And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
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My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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