i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
