life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
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