um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
