We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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