When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.