She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
