you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
