My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
