When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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