There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
