you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
