Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
