Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
