Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
