even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
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i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
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The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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