no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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