so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
