**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.