Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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