I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
