Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
