Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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