having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
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Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
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This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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