Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
