i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
