stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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