I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
