Betty ford says i'm here all night
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
